The single person’s thought process during wedding season

Ahh wedding season is certainly upon us. The invitations are piling high and the save the dates are quickly accumulating. When did everyone become so adult(ish)? Wasn’t it just last week that we were playing beer pong in garages while our parents were out of town? It’s like suddenly you look up and everyone around you has gotten married and settled down in the suburbs. Sometimes being the token single person is awesome. You are free to go everywhere and do everything, to come and go as you please without a permission slip from your spouse. But then there’s wedding season when your singleness comes into question. Don’t worry though- you’re not alone. Here are a few things that cross the minds of the uncommitted during wedding season…

Not today, eternal love. Not today...
Not today, eternal love. Not today…
  1. Is there an open bar? There better be, because I’m definitely not going if there’s not.
  2. Maybe the wedding party is good looking. That would certainly influence my RSVP.
  3. What’s the best way to tell at 78 year old woman to kindly mind her own f’ing business after she asks me when I’m going to find someone nice and settle down?
  4. Is it really necessary to have a photo shoot for engagement announcements, save the dates and invitations? I’m running low on fridge real estate.
  5. Can gracing the wedding with my presence count as my gift, or do I really have to buy the couple forks to be considered proper?
  6. Is there a service that provides hassle-free wedding dates? Because asking someone to go to a wedding with you is basically like asking them to marry you at a later date and that is NOT okay with me.
  7. Great! I’m going to see my entire graduating class!
  8. Damnit! I’m going to see my entire graduating class…
  9. Why does my entire wardrobe have to say “where’s the party at?” when I’m looking for “I totally have my shit together.”
  10. Am I going to have to sit at a table full of awkward, single cousins because the newlyweds want to play cupid?
  11. Am I really supposed to believe in eternal, everlasting love after witnessing the questionable activity at the bachelor/bachelorette party?
  12. That was a quick engagement…is she pregnant?
  13. Cute bridesmaid dresses. Said no one ever.
  14. Barn wedding! How original…
  15. I’m going to take a shot for every time someone says “you’re next”
  16. Is it considered inappropriate to tailgate before a wedding?
  17. I’m going to have to stop using so many air quotes when talking about “love”
  18. I hope my ex has gained 20 pounds.
  19. Is there such a thing as too much cleavage?
  20. Why is the bouquet/garter toss a thing? Does a magical ferry come and sprinkle commitment dust on you if you catch it? Sounds like a good time for a bathroom break…

Hey, we’ve all been there. I’m married and I still think these thoughts. Don’t worry, soon enough you can continue on with your fabulous single self judgment free. In the mean time, just enjoy the free drinks and finger foods, and feel free to fabricate the details of your life as you feel necessary.

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