The ultimate pre-parenting exam

FullSizeRender(5)Thinking of taking the plunge into the exciting world of parenting? You might want to think twice before you download that app that tells you when your best day to conceive is. You might think you’re ready, but are you really? Like, really?

Here are 10 simple, yet unconventional little life tests that will let you know real quick like if you have what it takes to be a parent. Don’t skip your Saturday pill until you’ve read this…

1. Go bar hopping with your spouse and run up a high tab. And I mean get really hammered. Stay out late, but set your alarm for 6:30 AM. When you’re alarm goes off you aren’t allowed to hit the snooze button. Your day has officially begun.Is parenting like a hangover? No, (well, maybe sometimes) but not getting more than 3 hours of sleep for months at a time IS.

2. Keep the Disney Channel playing on your TV in the background all day, every day for a week. Then, try to have a normal, adult conversation with your friends without once relating your life to Doc McStuffins or the Mickey Mouse Club House.

3. Have a favorite show you watch religiously? Invest in a DVR and steer clear of the internet for spoilers because hell will likely freeze over before you ever see those precious shows during their actual air time again. When you actually do get to catch up on Scandal, set an alarm for every 10 minutes and be prepared for interruptions. You need to be prepared at a second’s notice to remove small objects from ears, noses, mouths and possibly other bodily orefaces.

4. Drink a glass (or 4) of wine and spend several hours watching TLC, the Hallmark Channel, Steel Magnolias or whatever it is that makes you ugly cry. By the end of the sob fest you will want to call all your friends and family to tell them how much you love them. You might also feel the need to call your spouse and yell at him for no logical reason, other than the fact that life just isn’t fair because Shonda Rimes killed of Derek on Grey’s Anatomy. WTF, Shonda? This, my teary eyed friend, is what if feels like to be an irrational, psychotic, hormonal mess after having a baby. True story.

5. Get comfortable discussing bowel movements with your spouse. No, seriously. This is important. Your life is going to revolve around the contents of a tiny human’s diapers for at least a couple of years. And those little humans can produce a lot of waste. Really, A LOT.

6. Let your house acquire some dust, some dishes and some laundry. Don’t touch anything until the piles are high enough to climb and the house smells like old milk. Then, set your watch for one hour. And go! When you have small children, the only window of opportunity to get anything done interruption free is during nap time. So, savor those precious moments with your Clorox and hold your Swiffer tight because you are on the clock, and time runs out fast.

7. Going on vacation? Give yourself only 15 minutes to pack for the ENTIRE family for the ENTIRE week. Not so easy, is it? Getting out of the house after having kids becomes significantly more difficult and complex. You need to be prepared for any catastrophe that should arise. You will almost always forget something, and it will almost always be exactly what you need during said catastrophe.

8. Think you’re organized? Try getting ready from head to toe blindfolded. Don’t forget your makeup, your pants, your hair, your jewelry or your purse. Once you’re done, remove the blindfold. If you look like a hot mess you should repeat this test. Organization is very necessary when your baby is crying- especially when he starts to hit the high notes and turn purple. You need to know where everything is without having to look for it. The diapers, the wipes, the blanket, the powder, the pacifier, the bottle, the swaddle, the wine….

9. Volunteer to babysit your friends’ kids over night. This would certainly take a trustworthy friend, but there’s no better way to decide whether you’re ready to take the parenting plunge than to spend 24 hours with a tiny human that is incapable of using words. You will think of a million different things that you hadn’t thought of before. At what age can a baby eat pizza rolls? Can I put sweet tea in the bottle? How do I turn this swing on? Are there really moms that sing to their kids- it seems to make this one angry. Does it ever stop crying? Stop right there. If you EVER refer to a baby as “it” you are most definitely 100%, without a single shred of a doubt NOT ready to be a parent. So, tell your ovaries to chill the F- out!

10. There is one final thing that you should really take into consideration before you become a parent- your spouse. At the end of these strange, sometimes stressful exams do you want to: A. contemplate smothering them in their sleep, or B. want to give them a 20 minute hug because you now have more love and appreciation for them today than you did yesterday? If you chose A, you should put the baby making on hold and consider a puppy.

Becoming a parent is not something that should be taken lightly. It is the most exhausting, frustrating, awkward and rewarding job that you will ever have. It will change you in the best kind of way. For years your life will revolve around bottles, bed times, and a lot of poop. Those years will fly by, and before you know it those little babies will be full grown adults. Being a parent constantly revolves around the concept of time. Trust me when I say- there is never enough of it.FullSizeRender(4)

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